Why Shark Noises?

The short answer: I’m hilarious.

The long answer: I’m hilarious and also witty.


Think back on all the shark movies you’ve ever seen. Don’t worry, no judgement here; SyFy channel is my secret indulgence, too. The sharks always growl and snarl right? Jaws, Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, the iconic Sharknado franchise…the sharks always made some scary noise that went straight to your bladder heart, right?

Well, the truth is, sharks don’t have vocal chords. You may hear a little hiss as water exits their gills, or the smack their bodies make when breaching, but a shark cannot make any noise. They’re completely silent. You know who else feels silenced, and falsely represented by pop culture?

The “unperfects”. The fat girls, the incredibly tall girls, the disabled girls, racial minority girls, girls of the GSM (gender and sexual minority) community…basically if you aren’t a cross between Jennifer Lawrence and Megan Fox, you fit in with the “unperfects” club. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of chairs, and we rotate who brings snacks. Meetings are every Tuesday at 4.

Much like our friends the sharks, we are often misunderstood. Seen to be nothing more than how we immediately look. For them it’s big and scary, for us its supposedly sexually unappealing. Although I suppose I can’t really say “seen”, because you won’t see us in pop culture unless they’re trying out a new marketing strategy or have gotten too much internet backlash on their whitewashing, heteronormative, sexist ways. Sharks have become my personal mascot of confidence. I try to embody that cold stare, that flash of teeth, the ability to exist at the top of my personal food chain without changing who I am (although not for millions of years, closer to 20 actually).

So that’s where “shark noises” comes from. It’s a sound that doesn’t exist, that I chose to represent us. Because according to magazines and movies and television, neither do we.

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